


Our Kingdom

by wigglebox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 18:37:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6969490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But your heart drifted off<br/>Like the land split by sea<br/>I tried to go, to follow<br/>To kneel down at your feet<br/>--</p><p>Dean has panic attacks and Cas learns how to help</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Kingdom

The months after they defeated Amara and Cas became human, Dean sank further and further into his own mind. 

Cas would wake up in the middle of the night with Dean sat straight up right beside him. His breathing shallow, sweat beading on his forehead with hands pressed into his eyes.

Defeating Amara took a lot more than any of them had. Cas had Lucifer as a shield for most of it and they worked together, but Dean could only get close to her as himself. She almost succeeded in taking him. Cas had no clue what Dean saw in the process but his imagination attempted to fill in the blanks. It wasn’t anything good. 

When Cas was human the first time, he remembered plunging feelings of hopelessness followed by a dull tingling in the tips of his fingers all the way down to his toes. Sam told him that it was called depression. Cas wondered if that’s what Dean had. But Cas never had episodes like Dean had. He was never paralyzed into inaction, nor did he lay tight and rigid. Cas wanted to ask Sam if he knew what it was called, but he didn’t. It wasn’t right. 

Instead, Cas would sit up along with Dean. Once he tried putting his arms around him but Dean shrugged him off. Cas understood. Dean needed space. 

So Cas winds up sitting next to Dean; not touching, just being. He discovered that after nearly fifteen or twenty minutes, Dean’s shoulders would ease, and the shaking ebbed. A hand would move from his face to Cas’s hand which rested in his lap. Cas learned to lay his hand open and loose. It was like trapping a scared animal, and he hated himself for thinking like that. But the truth was he was woefully underprepared to deal with this apparent extreme of the human condition. He’d only been human for 4 months. In Cas’s head, which was trying to simplify harder to understand emotional concepts, Dean was scared. 

They sat in silence for sometimes an hour or two while Dean breathed and Cas held on. 

One night, Cas woke to a small, distressed noises coming from Dean’s side of the bed. He turned over, and reached out instinctively but no one was there. Confused, Cas opened his eyes and looked around the small, dark room. Dean wasn’t anywhere he could see. 

Another noise almost like a choked off cry. Cas shimmied over to the other side of the bed and saw Dean sitting on the ground. His legs were outstretched before him, hands clutching his stomach like he needed to hold it in. His chest moved up and down fast, his breath uneven and shallow. 

Without a word, Cas slid from the bed and dropped to his knees beside Dean. His hand, still warm from bed, slid up and cupped the far side of Dean’s face. Dean felt like death. 

Quickly, Cas grabbed the larger blanket off their bed and draped Dean in it, hoping to warm him. Cas then maneuvered himself so he had a knee on either side of Dean and pulled him forward. Keeping his space seemed more detrimental at this point. Cas rested his chin on the top of Dean’s head and held on tight. 

“I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be okay,” he whispered. Dean remained tense, shaking slightly, “But I will remind you that I will always be here for you, and you don’t need to go through this alone.”

Because Cas knew what it was like to suffer though things alone. Doubt, pressure, hate, depression… all made worse by isolation and silence. He may not have experienced the places that Dean has in his mind, but Cas was first and foremost a friend. And it’s what friends do. 

Dean slowly eased up with the warmth from the blanket and Cas’s body heat. Cas’s hands worked into the blanket and travelled up and down Dean’s back in a soothing motion. Dean kept silent. 

A shot of panic worked through Cas like a lightening bolt. He didn’t know if any of this was working, or if he overstepped his bounds. The fear that nothing was going to help and Dean was going to be a quivering mess on the floor every night. The fear that Cas was useless. 

Dean lifted his head slightly just so his lips could rest on the dip at the bottom of Cas’s throat. All thought left Cas, shifting to one primary goal: be there for Dean. 

Dean’s breathing started to slow, and Cas felt little puffs of hot air against his skin. Despite the situation, Cas smiled. 

“I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here.”

Hands balled into fists around Cas’s night shirt and Dean moved his head to the crooked in Cas’s neck. Cas didn’t want to move, even though his knees were killing him on the hard floor. For the first time in weeks, Dean’s breathing was slow, and his shaking was gone. Cas ignored the pain. It wasn’t relevant. His hands up to Dean’s hair and gripped tight. He was rewarded with a deep moan from Dean who tightened his grip. Cas could feel the heat radiating off of Dean’s face. 

“Do you want to get up on the bed?” Cas whispered, trying not to break the stillness of the scene. 

Dean nodded, barely but enough to register. With reluctance, Cas slipped out of Dean’s embrace and stood up, wincing as the pain radiated from his knees down his legs. He reached down for Dean and hoisted him to his feet.

A gentle push, and Dean slid backwards back onto their bed. He repositioned himself so his head rested on his pillows, and Cas moved over him. Their bedclothes were thin; boxers and t-shirts. Cas settled down, pressing every inch of him that he could against Dean. His elbows rested next to Dean’s head and hands carded through hair again with another soft tug. Hips rolled slowly, but enough for small stirrings beneath the fabric. Nothing desperate, nothing jarring or fast. They kept the pace slow and steady. Cas watched as Dean’s started to close his eyes, lost in the rhythm. Everything was still new to them, and they hadn’t taken things this slow yet. Fast hand jobs while Sam went for runs led to desperate fast romps in the motel rooms where they couldn’t even get all their clothes off and just rutted against each other, desperate for release that was building the whole day.  
Eyes closed, Dean’s hands wandered down Cas’s back and slid the tips of his fingers beneath the waistband of Cas’s boxers. Cas shivered. 

“I want to feel — I need to feel you, I need to feel something.” Dean worked his hands as far down as he could reach, gripping Cas’s ass, nails biting into the flesh. Cas ducked his head down and drew Dean into a slow, languid kiss. Cas understood, at least on a basic level, how a human touch seems to deal the soul. He needed it too. 

Cas once again reluctantly removed himself from Dean and the taste of familiar desperation hung in the air as they didn’t even remove their clothing all the way, just enough to feel. Cas reached over and searched in the dark for the lube. Before Cas settled back above Dean, a soft light suddenly filled the room taking Cas by surprise. Below him, Dean’s face was flushed, eyes bright. The most alive he’s looked in months. 

They slotted back together, skin alight with the gentle glow from the bedside lamp. 

It was the small things that Cas loved about being human. As an angel, he couldn’t focus on small, pleasing sensations. He often saw things in a broken down micro sense that took all enjoyment out of it. But now, he can feel hot skin against hot skin, he can hear the small and breathy moans coming from Dean and how that affects him. He can shut his brain down enough to just get lost in a steady, pulsing rhythm and not think about a bigger picture. 

They came together without touching only for lips and hands in hair and grabbing shoulders. Dean latched his teeth into Cas’s neck to keep the noise down, like he always does. Cas came with a small cry and buried his face into Dean’s neck. They were sweating slightly in their clothes and the warmth was fading slightly. Cas sank down into the bed beside Dean. He turned over and wetted a shirt on the floor with some water from his bedside glass and turned back to help clean up when he saw Dean’s arm raised over his face, body tense once more. 

The night finally caught up with Cas, a stone of guilt settling in his stomach. He couldn't help the thoughts that poured into his mind, yelling at him for getting lost in the moment and forgetting about it being all about comforting Dean. 

Cas settled down next to Dean and draped an arm over his middle. There wasn’t any shaking, just tense muscles. 

“Let’s keep the light on,” Cas suggested, watching Dean’s covered face carefully. Dean took a moment before nodding in agreement. Cas didn’t explain why, and was sure he didn’t need to. In case Dean woke up again in a few hours, panicked and paralyzed, he could see Cas immediately. Cas didn’t know if that would work but it seemed to make sense. If he woke up panicked and afraid, and if he saw Dean first, he would feel safe. 

They drifted off into sleep not long after, Dean’s arm lowered and back down by his side. 

Three hours later, Cas felt Dean stir beside him. He almost opened his eyes to expect Dean sitting back down on the floor again. Instead, he felt- d turn into his embrace, and fall right back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my SPN Writing Challenge for the month of May! 
> 
> The theme this month: Songs! 
> 
> I was given the song "Run to You" by Pentatonix  
> This block of lyrics specifically got my attention:
> 
> \--  
> But your heart drifted off  
> Like the land split by sea  
> I tried to go, to follow  
> To kneel down at your feet  
> \--
> 
> It made me think about depression and anxiety and how people deal with it differently and how scary it can be for loved ones to see some one they care about suffer. 
> 
>  
> 
> \--
> 
> This work does not have a beta. If you find any mistakes, kindly let me know in the comments! 
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://wigglebox.tumblr.com/)


End file.
